Happy Birthday, Sweet Morgan

 Morgan. Sweet Morgan.  My dear, beautiful Morgan.  Tomorrow is your birthday, your 25th and I just do not know what there is to say that hasn't already been said.  This is a hard day. We all know it; we all feel like; we all anticipate it with apprehension and sorrow.  It is a hard day.  Of course, we want you here, celebrating your life with us and whatever you may have going on in your beautiful life, as it were. Would you be married? Would you have a baby? So many of your friends are walking down that path of life and it just makes me wonder.  All the what ifs?

But... you are not here with us.  And that is just the reality of it.  The reality of another year in our lives without you.  I miss you so much.  Yes, we all miss you so much.  Your dad and your father-daughter dates, your brother, me - we all miss you terribly and we know that about each other.  We all miss you in our own ways.

You were a force to be reckoned with and we miss the way you took on life and conquered it, head on!  We all miss the amazing things that made you, you.  Your shining eyes, they sparkled with so much love.  Your winning laugh, it could drift through the room and everyone knew you were somewhere close making people laugh.  Your genuine love for people, and your willingness to help and serve anyone.  I am so proud to be your mother, Morgan.

I drift through life - it seems like sometimes - just drifting here and there and facing whatever comes that moment.  Yes, sometimes it is difficult to look toward the future without you in it.  So I just take each moment as it comes.  Breathe in, breathe out, take one step at a time.  I just want to be able to make you as proud of me, as I am proud of you.  I'm not sure that is possible, and I just feel like you wouldn't want me drifting. But living.  And I am, sweetie, the best way I know how to live without you in our lives.  I'm not an expert on things about heaven, but I know there is no sadness, so I'm pretty sure you can't "look down on me" from up there when I am sad.  I pray and just ask God to give you big hugs from your momma.  I pray and ask God to just tell you that we love you so much and we think about you every single day.  I know you are having a grand time and there is no reason to grieve for you.  We all grieve for our personal loss; the relationship we lost when you left.  We grieve for all the could-have-been moments, but I also know nothing down here could ever compare to where you are, what you are seeing, how you are feeling.

Knowing all of this.....sigh.

Knowing all of this, I rejoice for you, my sweet girl. But it does not take away my pain every Christmas, every birthday, every July 4th... your presence (the lack of) will always be a whole in our lives, until we're together again.  We love you, Morgan.  Happy Birthday, sweetie.