Past, Present and Future

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and a safe, happy New Year.  Kevin and I spent Christmas day with Mason, my mom and my dad.  We had a quiet morning, not like when the kids were young.  Mason and my parents got here and we opened some gifts and had a wonderful lunch together.  One chair was empty.  One chair will always be empty and the sadness will always be there, but there was joy and happiness as well.  It was our third Christmas without Morgan, our 4th since the accident.  Each year, I remember more and more that it is okay to enjoy the season because God is still God.  Yes, Christmas is a time to gather with family and be merry, but truly and honestly, it is a time to celebrate that God sent his son to live with us, to be with us.  He is still with us, every single day.  Emmanuel, God with us.

I did not intend to wait this long to post again, but last week was not good for me.  I do not want to pretend with you - my family, my friend, my readers - that I am happy and in good spirits all the time.  That is simply not the case.  I was going to write to you last week, but it was not a good time.  I was missing my children, both of them.  Yes, of course, it is natural for Mason to be out of our home and out on his own, making his own way in the world, but I miss him.  I am trying really hard, every single day, not to call and text him, to smother him.  Since Morgan went ahead of us to heaven, he is my only earthly child that I have to dote on, to hug and kiss, to talk to and hear about how his day was, and tell him what is going on in my life.  In a lot of ways, I did smother him, always wanting to know what he was doing and where he was going, when would he be home, and on and on.  He was a good sport about it, knowing that I just needed some reassurance.  Now, I'm trying to give him some space and I miss him terribly.  Morgan, in all likelihood, would be a junior at UCA this year.  She would be studying Occupational Therapy, had she stayed true to her plans.  Who knows if she would be living at home, but I would still have her close.  I was her mother first, but we were friends.  We talked. A lot.  We were close.  I feel like I would be talking or texting with her daily.  I just miss that closeness, wondering what we would be chatting about during the day, meeting for lunch, talking about boys, or soccer, or what she would be doing next.  I see mothers and daughters that struggle in their relationship and it breaks my heart.  Even if you have your daughter now, you will not forever and I wish every mother and every daughter treasured the relationship they have with one another.  Kevin and I were in Houston after Christmas.  We were running some errands with my sister and we stopped at Jason's Deli for lunch.  I saw this lady who was probably in her 60s come in with an elderly woman in a wheelchair.  She took her to a table, ordered their food and then sat down with her.  I could tell instantly that they were mother and daughter.  I watched them talk and enjoy each other's company.  I cried.  I could not help but think about the fact that I would never have the company of my adult daughter in my elderly years.  I would never get to experience that wonderful relationship of having her take such care of me, and love me and have lunch with me.  The two women enjoyed their lunch together, but instead of envy them, I thanked God for allowing them the pleasure of such a beautiful relationship.  Please do not take any of your relationships for granted, but thank God for your parents and if you are a parent, thank God for your children. Every single day.  They are precious gifts.  Treat them as such.

Happy New Year.