I Sing Because I'm Happy

Most of you know that I sing.  I'm not the greatest singer in the world, but I think God gave me a beautiful gift and I have always enjoyed sharing my gift with everyone who will listen.  I have been singing since I was very young.  My mom said I would sit on the piano and bang on the keys (playing nothing), but carrying a tune. I have always been in the church choir, as long as I could remember.  When Morgan had her accident, Kevin and I were by her side 24/7 so we were not in church every Sunday and Wednesday and a lot of our obligations were neglected.  When Morgan was in the hospital, I talked to her all the time.  I read notes that people would leave for her on Facebook.  I prayed with her, and I sang to her a lot.  She also had music therapy.  We sang a lot of familiar songs - some of her favorites, some of my favorites, but we sang a lot and she always seemed to enjoy it.  When Morgan went to heaven, she physically left me. She left a hole in my life, in my heart.  My heart was shattered.  My world was ripped apart. My every day life was no longer familiar to me.  I did not know what to do, from the moment my eyes opened every morning, until the sun set that evening, my brain was in complete chaos for a long time.  I didn't sing.  I couldn't sing.  Singing for me is happy.  Singing for me is worship.  I simply could not.  I am telling you this because I just want people to understand how grief can affect a person in a way that might be different from another person.  Singing might not be as personal to some as it is for me.  A couple of years ago, I tried to rejoin the choir at church.  I went to a few practices and I got onto the platform one Sunday morning.  It was horrible.  I couldn't sing.  I cried through most of it and I felt humiliated.  Exposed.  Vulnerable.  I stopped.  It just wasn't the right time and I wasn't ready.  Sometimes the words of a song are too much for me and I have to stop singing.  You see, when your 17-year-old daughter has experienced a horrific car accident; when she has come out of that car accident with an extremely severe brain injury which leaves her with no motor skills, no speech and no future, it is difficult to remember and sing that God is a "good, good Father" and that his "love never fails."  Even when you know that God is good, your heart is hurting and it is difficult to sing about a God who's "perfect in all of Your ways" because your life is not feeling the perfect ways of His plan right now.  It is hard to see past the pain and understand that all these things will eventually and somehow all work together for His glory.  I'm writing to tell you that I do love to sing and it can be very healing for me.  Once again, I am practicing with the choir.  I sang with them on the platform last Sunday and I know a lot of people noticed and have told me they enjoyed seeing me up there.  Thank you.  I sing for the Lord.  I sing because the joy of the Lord is my strength.  But it's not always easy, and the devil still tries to tell me I'm not happy sometimes.  Being happy doesn't mean I'm never sad.  I'm sad when I look out into the congregation and Morgan isn't out there singing and worshipping like she used to be (what a beautiful memory).  So, please keep praying for me as I conquer this new endeavor.  It may not seem like a big step to some, but to me it is a giant leap.

Psalm 59:16- But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress; my refuge in times of trouble.