Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Giving. Sharing. Old Traditions. New Beginnings. The birth of a Savior.  I have trouble listening to songs that talk about "put the past in the past," and just box it up like an old photograph.  I love the song that tells your heart to beat again, but it points out that yesterday's a closing door and you don't live there anymore.  Just say goodbye to where you've been and tell your heart to beat again.  I can't put the past away in a box like an old photograph, and I cannot close the door on yesterday - those are where my memories live and when memories are all you have left, you have to keep them very close.  I do understand literally speaking that I cannot live in the past.  I cannot hold on to that person who is no longer physically here with us, and that I must move forward.  I must learn to step into the light of grace and tell my heart to beat again (yes, from the words of Danny Gokey, "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again").  It is beating, it just hurts with every single beat.  One thing that I think is hard to explain to people who do not understand the loss of a child is the physical grief.  I cannot explain the physical pain inside my chest, the emptiness in the pit of my stomach.  At first it was all the time, and over time it does ease up and come in waves.  When we think about the approaching New Year, we think of new year's resolutions (which I stopped making a very long time ago, since I don't appreciate the feeling of failure!).  We think of new beginnings.  This year, I am trying extremely hard to think about new beginnings instead of just another year without Morgan.  It is harder than you realize, to look forward to momentous occasions, starting new adventures and creating new memories when a precious family member is missing from your life.  I have been reading my Bible more, thanks to very good friend who suggested we read the Bible together in a year.  She and I have both tried to do this on numerous occasions on our own (with no success), but maybe together, holding each other accountable, we can be successful.  I find that not only reading, but studying the word of God helps me through a difficult day.  Preachers have been telling me my whole life to read my Bible, right?  It's about time I listened!!  Seriously though, God's word is our guide, all we have to do is open it and read it.  Blessings are waiting inside!  I also enjoy a daily dose of Jesus Calling!  It is usually exactly what I need to hear that day.  It is not easy when your heart longs for heaven, but you're not ready to leave earth.  After Morgan passed away, I honestly just wanted to die.  I felt like I had nothing left within me.  So many people tried to encourage me by telling me that God wasn't finished with me yet, and while that might have been the truth, it did not resonate with me.  I did not care.  I felt like my heart was gone.  While a piece of my heart will forever be broken, the rest of it is slowly healing.  I know that God is sovereign.  I know that God has been before me and He knows the plans for my life.  I know that God is good.  I also know that our time here on earth is limited and when we pass from this life, eternity is forever.  Morgan is where she is supposed to be - safe and secure in the arms of God.  One day, whenever it is meant to be, I will be safe and secure in the arms of God as well.  The gift that God gave us that first Christmas was his only Son.  You can have an eternity in the safe and secure arms of a Heavenly Father.  Do you have that hope?  You can.  He is just waiting for you to ask.  The gift is free.  Merry Christmas!

Morgan and I were both extremely blessed to have Godly earthly fathers.

Morgan and Kevin painting at Branch Out

 Morgan and Kevin at Pasta Grill

Morgan and Kevin at ACH

Morgan and Granddaddy

Morgan, Granddaddy and Mom